After All, No Be Me Kill Jesus.
Listen, I make a lot of plans, lists, written down agendas, whatever you want to call it. I’m the type of person to make lists of three or four things because I’m not confident that I’ll be able to get anything done without having post anxiety that I missed or forgot something. That’s just me.
This past summer, I made plans. I planned to see my friends, I had a long list of shows and movies to watch, I had half baked blog posts that I wanted to finish (and post) as well and even brought massive textbooks home to read for the upcoming semester too. I had a lot of faith and hope in myself that this was going to be THE summer — hot girl summer, smart girl summer, lazy yet content girl summer, I was ready to be every woman. I thought this summer, like almost every other summer, I would take my life in my hands and have my to-do lists heavily checked off before I got back to school.
I don’t really know why I put a lot of my strength into this year’s summer, maybe because I’d turn 18 later this year but this past holiday felt like make or break for me. I felt like if I didn’t do these things now, I might never get to do them again.
On the top of my summer list was to join a social club or society in school. I figured out quickly that I didn’t want to just go through the academic path in school, I didn’t want to just study endlessly and graduate. I felt like that would be a waste of my university admission. And so I sought out clubs and societies in my department, found them and then never joined any. You see, I would do the basic requirements to get in — join one or two whatsapp groups, write essays here and there, fill a few forms and then I would just stop caring and participating in anything after that. Sometimes (all the time) they’d also seem like more work and money than I bargained for and I’d just mentally give up.
The other thing I wanted to go was go out more. Now of course once in a while I do step out. But like I said this was make or break summer for me. I wanted to do my worst/best — this was the hot girl summer side quest I was on and I failed miserably. I went out a few times but I barely, compared to other breaks, stepped past my gate. I just got home and stayed home. It wasn’t depressing or anything, I just didn’t have it in me to go anywhere and so I didn’t.
When I was packing back home my main thought was “I’m going to study so much.” The break wasn’t long but in my head; it was long enough to finish at least 3 course outlines and have a solid idea of what I was getting into in my second year but I was profusely wrong. I read the first three days that I got back, I was proud of myself and certain that I could keep this up till the break was over (again I was so wrong). The days after I would skip through like two pages and call it a day; “After all no be me kill Jesus” I would stupidly think. Then the days became shorter and I, in return, became lazier. I couldn’t focus on anything concerning school and weirdly enough I was deeply calm about it. My sleeping schedule was also in a deep state of panic. I was not sleeping well at all. I would sleep for the entire day and watch movies and anime from let’s say after 10pm till 4am in the morning. I couldn’t shut my eyes anytime before 4am and because of this I would be tired the whole day and sleep, it was basically rinse and repeat.
I’m not devastated about how my summer went. I’m not weeping and regretting about it either. But I am a bit upset I didn’t get to do the things that I really wanted to do. I guess sometimes it be like that so I’ve stopped beating myself up about it, writing this seemed like my final goodbye to my very uneventful summer and incomplete checklists. I still have so many summers to try again and again and again and hopefully I’ll make the best out of them all.
