No but you don’t get it. *Blank* is very nice to me, they are very sweet 6 out 10 times. They compromise with who I am even though they don’t have to. That’s what true love is — compromise. They compromise my entire personality and character and I am thankful for that. No one can put up with me the way they do, no one can manage my flaws the way they do so it really doesn’t matter if they make me feel worthless often because sometime after they make me feel just a little less worthless with an adequate show of affection, this is rather sustainable for me, not in a pitiful way but in a grateful way.
Listen, I get why you may be concerned, I’ve cried atleast 17 times in the past week, all for completely different reasons, and I have not gotten out of bed in the past 3 days because I have not received a text back but I promise you I’m okay, I’m being dramatic, I’m being overbearing and clingy, I need to relax because they will text me back. They have showed me they care for me a total of 2 and a half times this month, so definitely they want to spend the rest of their life with me too, certainly they adore me the way I do them.
The thing is it’s okay if my partner is a little bit mean to me sometimes, I deserve it, I’m annoying, have too many opinions and often times I express myself genuinely, I get why they don’t like that. It’s too much, it’s intense and difficult for them to comprehend. This is why I think it’s okay that I can’t talk to them about the socioeconomic issues that cloud my brain and the world at large because that is ‘boring’ and ‘not our buisness’ which in retrospect is very true and I agree and it’s not a big deal if I can’t tell them about my favorite books or movies or songs, these do not matter and are ‘useless pieces of information’. I don’t need to force down my likes and dislikes down my partner’s throat, I should not actively make loving me more of a chore than it already is.
I need you to understand that relationships, true soul knotting relationships, are like that. Relationships are hard work. There will be ups and downs, setbacks, insults, things thrown at your head sometimes but it gets better. Nobody has a great relationship without a few scars along the way. Without labor, nothing prospers, it is only right that I work for my happiness and comfort. I am going to make this relationship last by working hard to secure the only person that may ever want me. It’s not a difficult concept to grasp.
Did you say I should break up with them? That I can find someone better? I should leave the only person that will ever accept me for something as flimsy as my ‘mental health’? That’s impossible. I cannot abandon something I’ve put years into cultivating with my own tears and blood, I cannot scrap our bond because maybe a thousand things are wrong with us, atleast it’s not two thousand, now that would be a lot. You need to believe me when I say they will get better. Rock bottom feels nice, it’s not as bad as everyone makes it seem, it’s comfortable, almost like home and the best part is only way out of rock bottom is up.
I cannot start over, you need to get it. I cannot begin anew with a whole different human being when the one I’m with isn’t even as bad as a serial killer or pedophile. They’re okay, I’m okay and we will be okay someday. I do not want to talk about this with you anymore even though I’m the one that brought it up out of nowhere, my bad, I thought you would get it, I thought you would be mature enough to understand what real love is, but all you care about is my ‘happiness’, the cuts on my arm, the hole in my wall and if I’ve eaten in the past days. Thank you for this conversation please go back to where you’re coming from, my partner will call me soon and I am afraid to miss it.
One thing my mum always reminds me is that I am easy to love. Till this day I have never gotten a better compliment than that. It reinforces my belief that you do not have to toil for love and you don’t need to go through trials and tribulations to prove you are worthy of love.
The thing that creates a toxic relationship is that terrible belief you cannot find someone better than them, that you do not deserve someone better than them.
You are allowed to be loved correctly and wholly. You do not deserve your personality watered down because of love. Love only blooms what it touches and you should remember that always.